he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
