the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
