apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
