i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
