I accidentally had phone sex last night
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
