I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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