I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
