yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
