I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
