you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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