just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
