Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
