All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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