That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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