I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
not ubering you a puppy
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
