i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
