why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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