I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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