Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
