We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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