If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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