i may or may not be watching the land before time
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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