So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
