2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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