I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
We named our party play list daddy issues
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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