If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
