I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
