Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
