Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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