My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
