just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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