i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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