if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
