I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
