We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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