when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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