But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Randomize
