my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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