I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
