You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
