theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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