New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
