does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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