We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
