what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
