you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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