This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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