i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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