We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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