Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
