It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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