oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
