we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
