remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
