I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
